Receiving Hate... Giving Love.

Its just so hard sometimes... giving so much love to someone and them constantly hating you in return. I don't know how much more I can take much less... give. I feel like every time I try and be nice or do something its not good enough and that I just screw up so why even do it? Its like I don't even have anyone to talk to about it anymore and I'm just always upset with life. I try to smile and be happy for everyone but eventually, I just fall apart. I can never please anyone and I always ruin everything. I don't even understand why I'm still here. I'm just ready to go, God. I don't mean anything to anyone and even when people say I do its just because they want to make me happy it's not serious. They don't understand my life, what I go through, or what I have been through. I'm just ready to go. So, when you get that chance, God, please take me.

dedicated to: Kenji Snead - sorry God didn't bless you with a better sister.

I Always Mess Up

I don't try to mess things up, but in the end, I do anyways. I really like him and i'm just so self conscious that I always feel the need to leave and talk to someone else. It just really annoys me because he's such a sweet guy and I tell him everything. We stay up and talk late every weekend and during the summer, almost every night. I just feel like I make him feel awkward and that I should just leave. Like, I really don't know what to do. Gosh, I just hate that he's such a nice guy and he's alwayssss helping me out even when it's super late and he's really tired. He's always there. I just wish I would be more confident in myself and not worry about what people think of me. I'm always trying to please others and worrying about what the world will think of me, when really all that matters is if i'm happy with myself. This is definitely something I should pray about. Man, blogging really does help with stress. Thank you whoever invented it.

Dear God

God,
I don't even know what is wrong with me? I'm just frustrated. I want to know what my dad is going through. I want to be able to do so much for Mika and Kenji but I can't. I don't have money and i'm so young. What do you want from me? I'm a terrible follower. I have fallen so many times and turned away from you so many times. I go to you when I need things but not when I have them. I write these letters and I say I want to change the way I am but I don't. I ask you for death, but honestly, am I ready? God, I so badly want to stop hurting people and stop having to lean off of others to get stuff done but i'm just so stressed out. I see these people that are christian and they look so happy but then I also notice that they have a lot of stuff. I mean, why am I so greedy? I'm everything I shouldn't be and I'm going down this road I don't even want to be on. I just said things to my dad that will probably make him cry and on top of that I say things to people to purposefully make them hurt. I'm sorry. I'm a monster, God. You know how all of this feels and you know how it feels to be in my situation... I guess what i'm saying is what do I do about it? what do I say to all these people??
These are all of the people that I have been rude to today whether it was direct or indirect, I was still mean..

Dad
Gaby
Crissie
Mom
Tiffany

I'm sorry. I will talk to someone about it. I will talk to an adult.

and one more prayer God, I just pray that you would take away everything i'm holding back right now. I say i've forgiven him God but I haven't. So Please... just calm me and take away my anger.

Goodbye For Now

Well bloggers, 
I hate to say it, but I won't be able to post on here while at camp... So, I guess this is goodbye for now. I can't wait to experience what God has planned for this summer at Crestridge... it's going to be so much fun. Like always!! ahhh... Well, It's late. Goodnight guys! <3

We're Getting There

Today, He texted me. We haven't talked in about two weeks now, and I'll be on my way to camp in nine days. I was shocked but actually really happy. Right now, I don't know if I should be happy or what, but I know i'm glad he's back. It really does feel great to have him in my life cause he truly is a great friend and someone that's always there to listen. He doesn't understand how much I really missed him but I really did. God, I just pray that you would help our relationship to be stronger, and I don't care if we're just friends for the rest of high school or even the rest of our lives but I just pray we are at least friends. I think that friends is good. It's like what Jack said, "sometimes relationships are stronger when you're not dating." Well, I'm getting tired and it's really late... so, goodnight. sleep well.

I'm At A Payphone.

aghh! I love this song so much! I've been listening to it on repeat and still not tired of it.

God first. Us last.

Guys, this isnt only for women but for men too. I like this quote because it reminds me that I need to serve God and accept him into my heart and have a personal relationship with him before I start to serve others and have relationships with them. Gods plan for each and everyone of us is different but with same goals. We're suppose to lead others to Christ so they may be saved and be united with Christ Lord in Heaven. God should be the most popular man on Earth. He should be the center of our conversations, or lives, our relationships, and in anything we do. So think about this quote, share of you'd like. Just remember that God is great and he deserves nothing but the best :)