Receiving Hate... Giving Love.

Its just so hard sometimes... giving so much love to someone and them constantly hating you in return. I don't know how much more I can take much less... give. I feel like every time I try and be nice or do something its not good enough and that I just screw up so why even do it? Its like I don't even have anyone to talk to about it anymore and I'm just always upset with life. I try to smile and be happy for everyone but eventually, I just fall apart. I can never please anyone and I always ruin everything. I don't even understand why I'm still here. I'm just ready to go, God. I don't mean anything to anyone and even when people say I do its just because they want to make me happy it's not serious. They don't understand my life, what I go through, or what I have been through. I'm just ready to go. So, when you get that chance, God, please take me.

dedicated to: Kenji Snead - sorry God didn't bless you with a better sister.

I Always Mess Up

I don't try to mess things up, but in the end, I do anyways. I really like him and i'm just so self conscious that I always feel the need to leave and talk to someone else. It just really annoys me because he's such a sweet guy and I tell him everything. We stay up and talk late every weekend and during the summer, almost every night. I just feel like I make him feel awkward and that I should just leave. Like, I really don't know what to do. Gosh, I just hate that he's such a nice guy and he's alwayssss helping me out even when it's super late and he's really tired. He's always there. I just wish I would be more confident in myself and not worry about what people think of me. I'm always trying to please others and worrying about what the world will think of me, when really all that matters is if i'm happy with myself. This is definitely something I should pray about. Man, blogging really does help with stress. Thank you whoever invented it.

Dear God

God,
I don't even know what is wrong with me? I'm just frustrated. I want to know what my dad is going through. I want to be able to do so much for Mika and Kenji but I can't. I don't have money and i'm so young. What do you want from me? I'm a terrible follower. I have fallen so many times and turned away from you so many times. I go to you when I need things but not when I have them. I write these letters and I say I want to change the way I am but I don't. I ask you for death, but honestly, am I ready? God, I so badly want to stop hurting people and stop having to lean off of others to get stuff done but i'm just so stressed out. I see these people that are christian and they look so happy but then I also notice that they have a lot of stuff. I mean, why am I so greedy? I'm everything I shouldn't be and I'm going down this road I don't even want to be on. I just said things to my dad that will probably make him cry and on top of that I say things to people to purposefully make them hurt. I'm sorry. I'm a monster, God. You know how all of this feels and you know how it feels to be in my situation... I guess what i'm saying is what do I do about it? what do I say to all these people??
These are all of the people that I have been rude to today whether it was direct or indirect, I was still mean..

Dad
Gaby
Crissie
Mom
Tiffany

I'm sorry. I will talk to someone about it. I will talk to an adult.

and one more prayer God, I just pray that you would take away everything i'm holding back right now. I say i've forgiven him God but I haven't. So Please... just calm me and take away my anger.

Goodbye For Now

Well bloggers, 
I hate to say it, but I won't be able to post on here while at camp... So, I guess this is goodbye for now. I can't wait to experience what God has planned for this summer at Crestridge... it's going to be so much fun. Like always!! ahhh... Well, It's late. Goodnight guys! <3

We're Getting There

Today, He texted me. We haven't talked in about two weeks now, and I'll be on my way to camp in nine days. I was shocked but actually really happy. Right now, I don't know if I should be happy or what, but I know i'm glad he's back. It really does feel great to have him in my life cause he truly is a great friend and someone that's always there to listen. He doesn't understand how much I really missed him but I really did. God, I just pray that you would help our relationship to be stronger, and I don't care if we're just friends for the rest of high school or even the rest of our lives but I just pray we are at least friends. I think that friends is good. It's like what Jack said, "sometimes relationships are stronger when you're not dating." Well, I'm getting tired and it's really late... so, goodnight. sleep well.

I'm At A Payphone.

aghh! I love this song so much! I've been listening to it on repeat and still not tired of it.

God first. Us last.

Guys, this isnt only for women but for men too. I like this quote because it reminds me that I need to serve God and accept him into my heart and have a personal relationship with him before I start to serve others and have relationships with them. Gods plan for each and everyone of us is different but with same goals. We're suppose to lead others to Christ so they may be saved and be united with Christ Lord in Heaven. God should be the most popular man on Earth. He should be the center of our conversations, or lives, our relationships, and in anything we do. So think about this quote, share of you'd like. Just remember that God is great and he deserves nothing but the best :)

When I Grow Up

http://www.themoesfamilyintexas.blogspot.com/search/label/Potty%20Training


I need this some day.

Who? Where? When?

I want to just yell. scream until I lose my voice. God, please give me a sign of some sort. What is my problem? I'm not doing anything right!! You introduce me to all these people and I just want to meet him already. I want to feel what it's like to be kissed. I want to be hugged all the time and get into stupid little arguments over nothing. I want to have that feeling of being "in love." Who is this guy you have for me? Is he here? Will I meet him in college? when? When? WHEN.... will I ever meet this man? God, I tell you, I can't wait for the day. I love him so much already and I don't even know him.

Audrey Hepburn

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.

The Best Conversation

Last Time. This Time.

In about two weeks I will be making my way to the best camp on earth. CAMP CRESTRIDGE. Last time, we started talking (after being upset with each other for so long) the day I left. It took him a while to talk to me again cause we actually dated that summer for approximately 5 hours... and just like this time, I ruined that. I think one of the many reasons I miss him most is because he knows so much about me and i'm not just talking about my favorite color or my worst tickle spots... He knows my darkest secrets, my fears, and my weaknesses. He knows my flaws yet, accepts them. He didn't care about my scars or when I was completely stupid. I didn't have to lie to him because I knew he could handle the truth. He was the ultimate jokester and all our conversations made me laugh. I remember this one night we were on the phone and I was so uncomfortable with this situation I was in and we were joking one second and then all of a sudden he became so serious and said "hey.. are you okay?" it sounds so dumb but it's what I loved. The simple stuff. I loved how he understood what I was going through. I told him all my problems cause he's been through it. He knows pain, he knows anger, he knows the difference between real and fake, but most of all, He knew me. He knew i hated being told 'I love you' too early and how i wanted my first kiss to be "special." what the hell is a "special" kiss anyways?? shouldn't all first kisses be special? I'm such a jerk. If I do get the chance to be his again, I'll remind myself of all the times I cried myself to sleep because I broke up with a guy like him. I'll read every blog entry and journal I wrote about him. I'll keep note of every conversation we had that made me smile.. I'll remind myself of the moments we spent together because those are the moments that are most precious. I'll remind myself of what I missed most while being apart so I don't have to experience the feeling of not being able to have it again. He was the best to me, I think he only deserves even better in return. [MLL]

Make A Wish

Everyday, I experience the joy of making a wish at 11:11, but not purposefully. I coincidentally pick up my phone either a minute before or right one the dot. Weird huh?... I thought so. Well, for the past month I've been making the same wish over and over again, just praying that it would come true. Well guess what?!.. it happened. :) I guess I really did need to be patient cause now it's not as awkward and we can just text. When we run out of things to say... the conversation ends. easy. It's not always great but man, I am so much happier. He's the best. And the best part of all? Well, he cares. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have texted me first.

See You When We See You

My dad just left to go back home. While he was here we did A LOT. haha. I cut his hair.. Jokingly, right before my sister's graduation....oops. We also Omegled a lot of random people and haha, met an australian dude who taught us how to say "WATA!" instead of Water. We baked cookies (wayyy too many), and watched National Treasure at least 5 times. I can't believe he's already gone, but i'll see him again; He's the best truck driver in the nation and well, i guess, England needs him. This entry is for you, Dad. I love you BUNCHES! 
Much love,
Em. <3 

I'll Be Just Fine

I think it's time to move on. God has been doing so much in my life recently and I think it's just best to move on and talk to other people. I'll always be here for him but that's up to him and God's plan. Surely God made an AMAZING man for me, and right now I just need to worry about myself and just trust that God knows what he's doing. I'll be just fine. :)

Keep It Going.

So, we're texting and yeah, it's not all fun and games right now but at least it's something. I miss him a lot and I don't think we'll ever date again but I miss his friendship. At least something is better than nothing and i'd much rather have a little bit than nothing at all. Maybe everything we planned won't come true and maybe, just maybe.. it will. I'll never know. But I will promise you something that I do know. I know that i'm not going to stop trying. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that we're friends if not anything more than that. so you, my love, you wait.

HI

ONE SIMPLE WORD JUST MADE MY WHOLE NIGHT!!! I LOVE GOD! HE RESPONDED.
Goodnight guys! I'm so happy i'm going to bed earlyyyyy!!!!! :)

Forever is Long Time.

ahhhhhghghghhghghghghghghghghghghgh.................................................
soo soo sooo frustrateddd!!!! I'm just listening to music and don't know what to title it so I left that one up to the lyrics of the song playing. His name? Mason. Yes, that is the one guy I have been talking about. I am a buttttttttt! I miss him and I don't even care at this point. I just want him to be my best friend again. I told him absolutely everything. I told him my darkest secrets and shared with him my every thought. If I had to name the one person that knew the most about me, besides my parents, it would be him. I know we're going to be okay in the end. I know that he WILL end up being a big part of my life once again because this is the one feeling I have never felt. This is the one time where i'm absolutely positive that God finally is saying "alright Emily, now is the right time" and I really wish that he would just talk to me. I wish that things between us would just work out. I'm going CRAZY. oh my gosh. :( Just let my 11:11 wishes come trueeeee!!! 

Hello. Goodbye.

Meeting new people is GREAT, the sad part is never knowing how long we have with that person. People, everyday, will come and go, in and out of your life. Wouldn't it be easier if we could just see ahead of time and just see the mistakes we make before me make them??... Although that might me nice every once in awhile, well, it would never teach us anything. We make mistakes so we don't make them again later. Maybe one day the people you screwed up with will, later on, end up in your life again. The wait... whether it be a day or a couple of days... maybe even longer than a year.. that's the frustrating part, but it's all part of God's plan and we should be patient and trust that he is doing everything for the good of us. 

3 strong words

I love you.

All About Us

do you hear that love? they're playing our song.
Lovers dance when they're falling in love
spotlights shining its all about us. <3
I talk about him all the time. I miss him so much. We talked today and it didn't go so well... He deserved better. I miss his hugs and our long talks about nothing. when I could cuddle to his side while watching a movie and be comfortable. How he let me get mad and just wouldn't do anything and when I was so close to crying because I was in pain and he told me it'll be okay cause he wouldn't let it be anything but that. He didn't care if I was around other guys cause he trusted that he was that I would never do him wrong. He would hum me songs to sleep and when I did he would hangup and text me goodnight cause I would see it in the morning. He was always there when I needed him cause he's that kind of person. a caring one. I took him for granted and ruined everything we had and what could've been. And when I said goodbye he didn't yell. he simply let it be because its happened before. I hate who i was to him when all he did to me was love me and make sure i knew it.

Friend Then. Friend Now.

It all started in seventh grade, we absolutely despised each other. She was my total opposite even her looks... but somehow, God placed us in each other's lives. She became my best friend. We ended up hanging out EVERY weekend and if it wasn't every weekend well, it was fairly close. There was not a day where we didn't talk. Anytime something interesting happened to me, she would be the first to know. She was like another sister if not closer. Well, long story short, I guess God placed her in my life for just a little while. Earlier this year, she decided to not be friends anymore. I was upset at first but over time it taught me a lot. She's a good person and I will always be there for her but we needed this break whether it be temporary or forever, it was for a reason. I pray we become friends again sometime soon. Well, That was my blog for the night. sorry for this awkward ending. haha. night!!

For The Honor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9f5rR0kyP4


Guys, this is such an amazing song. God deserves to be praised every second of everyday... Forever I will honor you... Forever. A promise from me to God. <3

The Older. The Wiser.

People say that the older you get the wiser you are... True or False?
I believe that the older you get then the wiser you will be because over time you learn a lot. You reflect upon the different situations you go through and the multiple decisions you're forced to make. When something hurts you, you try to not make the same decision again. When something makes you happy, you tend to do it more often... but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes something that used to make you happy can change and make you upset later and maybe something that used to upset you makes you happy now. No matter what makes you happy or sad, well, you learn from it and it helps you to make either the same choices or different choices later in life. It may take making the "wrong" decision a few times before you make the "right" decisions the next time, but it's okay because at least you know how you felt before and can reflect upon that situation later so you don't make the same mistake again. Well, this all fits into the title because as we grow, we have to stumble over a couple of branches and get scratches so that we can learn to pay attention to where were going and what were doing so that it doesn't happen again later. We must learn what it feels like to be in pain or to be really happy so that we don't waste our time being depressed and unhappy. We need to spend more time making good memories so that when it's your time to go you won't spend your last seconds wishing that you wouldn't have done this or that but instead being happy with what you did do because it made you who you are and made you feel the way you should. So remember, do what you want and learn from it, but most importantly, do what makes you feel good. :)

The Relationships are only Temporary.

I don't even understand what God is doing in my life right now. He puts people in it but then sometimes the people who become so close, in the end, leave. I don't know if I was the reason for why we're not close or if they just have a problem and need to "solve" it on their own. I just wish that I could at least keep them as a friend. I don't care if we're never close again or don't talk the way we used to but at least show me that you care. When I say something nice, you could say something back... or maybe just let me know I don't mean anything to you cause then at least I wouldn't have to waste my time trying to figure it out on my own. Whatever that problem is in your life, well, I hope things work out well in the end. I hope that you realize one day that I cared about you and not the looks, the money, or your faith, but because of the person you were when we were still close... I guess I fell for your lies. Well played. [A]

That One Friend...

"This is the day the Lord has made; WE WILL rejoice and be glad in it" ~Psalms 118:24


I really like this verse because if you think of it, God does all things for the good of us and even though sometimes the situation isn't pleasant, in the end, it benefits you or someone else in someway. I'm the only person in my house that is a christian. I don't know why that is exactly and am SOO excited for the day that my family sees the amazing works of God and how having him as the solid foundation of their lives can really take the stress and worries off their shoulders. I became a christian back in May of 2010 and ever since have been attending a church nearby where I live. Last year, God blessed me with a friend that has just been really gracious to me (them and their family); I really love being around them because they just love God so much but then also have a way with working with people who don't know him. I met my friend last year in my math class. He was a new student transferring from a school in Greenville and when he walked in the room, right away, I knew that we would be friends. Were my first words to him the best way to welcome someone? probably not... haha. The first thing I told him was "Your name is Benjamin?! I'm naming my son that when I grow up!" Well, lets just say we didn't become friends right away. :P The teacher later moved him to my side of the room and he sat behind me; I was really happy about that. We ended up talking to each other and getting to know each other better and now, he's just that friend that i'm just so happy to have in my life... not to mention that we share math again this year. :)

First Entry. New Blogger.

Helloo Bloggers!

so... as you can probably tell I'm a new blogger and haven't had one before. haha. Well, to start off, I'm Emily. I have quite a complicated life and only created a blog cause after journaling for so long I decided to just start typing instead or writing. :) I don't really plan on having that many people look at my blog but plan on mainly using it to get my feelings out and post when I'm happy or upset. The name of my blog is "New story. New day." because everyday things are going on and if you keep everything to yourself.. well, one day you're going to explode! Without further due, i'm not that kind of person. So, get to know me maybe you'll like me, maybe not. We shall see....